Lucky is such a relative term. I’ll give you an example of what I mean:

I’m the unluckiest person I know because I just so happen to have two completely unrelated primary cancers in my body at the same time.


I’m so lucky that my bowel cancer diagnosis meant that the cancerous tumour in my left breast was picked up whilst it is still very small.

Both of these statements are true and they provide the most illustrative example of a glass half full/empty scenario.

Truth is, I don’t feel lucky. I feel really fucking angry. I’m at that stage right this minute. You’ll forgive me if I’m not at all funny right now. It’s just really shit.

It feels like more than I can possibly handle emotionally right now and yet simultaneously just another small thing to deal with in the shitshow that is Life with Alan.

My least favourite breast surgeon called me yesterday while Mum and I were choosing soft furnishings in Target. You don’t get to choose when to have these conversations. So I am standing there holding a cushion while he tells me the biopsy confirmed the lesion is cancerous. Having previously listened calmly and carefully to my (lovely) oncologist as she had explained the possible worst-case scenario, I took a breath and responded to his abrupt explanation with: “Ah, ok. So, we do a lumpectomy and continue with treatment?”

Dickhead replies: “Well if your bowel cancer was curable we would recommend that but because yours isn’t, so maybe your oncologist will just decide to leave it and keep an eye on it.”

Thanks, mate.

This is also the flog who at our initial consultation asked: “So is the plan just to carry on with chemo until the cancer catches up with you?”

Yep, just like that.

The truth is, his questions reflected an understanding of my situation. On both accounts. But that didn’t matter. He was so casual about my cancer and I wanted to slap him across his too pretty, too confident little face.

I don’t care if he is the Stephen Hawking of breast surgery, that fuckwit will not be coming within ten feet of my boobs. I need a villain to hate right now and this guy is it.

Back to my left boob…

So it wasn’t Alan, after all, setting up shop in a new location.

It was Karen. And look, I know Karens have been copping it all year. But it feels like a 2021 Karen sort of thing to do. Like, really, Karen? Could you not?

Tomorrow I meet my new treatment team in Sydney. And I am pulling back my shoulders, standing up straight, and sucking back the angry tears because these people are going to have my back. And my front. My left tit, specifically.

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0 thoughts on “Alan, meet Karen.

  1. That is just a giant bag of dicks, Kristie. I have no other words, no right words or helpful words but I hope that Karen and Alan find that dickhead and crush his soul.

  2. I don’t understand how people who have intelligent brains can be so heartless and clinical with the delivery of their message. I realise they deal with this stuff day in day out and this can result in a lack of empathy, but they are dealing with people. People’s lives and emotions – I would love to slap him too.
    Good luck tomorrow – I’m certain the new experts will look after you and be more human and thoughtful with their approach xox

  3. Jen Cordingley says:

    Too many ugly individuals in your life right now: Alan, Karen and Dr P Ness the cancer of a cancer expert. So sorry you’re getting this avalanche dumpin’ on you. XX J

  4. Fuck me! I’ve got nothing’. And anyone who knows me, knows that rarely happens. This is just a clusterfuck of a shitshow and you my friend, are the star of said show and I want to cancel the show right now on your behalf! I am so sorry you are going through this storm. But know – you are in awesome hands now. From the Dr to the chemo nurses (yes, I have called in favours!) – you will get the care and more importantly, the compassion, you deserve. Thinking of you tomorrow and, well, every day really. Big hugs babe. xx

  5. Sooooo…….. now we’re punching Karen in the minge? 🤬 Fucking Mole!

    Absolutely wonderful to see you today Gorgeous Girl……. Sending you allll the ‘vibes’ .

    See you soon…… lotsa Luv ❤️❤️💪🏻

  6. Aarghh Karen, we are so NOT into you!!!
    How do some people miss the memo about just being a decent human?!?
    I’m sorry to hear it was yet another tough day.

    It’s pretty clear that you have some awesome teams already that love you and care deeply about what you’re going through. All the best adding another excellent and supportive team to the list! x

  7. Peter Edwards says:

    Dear Kristie, I’m a mate of your Dad and also a two time cancer survivor, including stage 3 bowel cancer in 2007 when the doctors told me the odds were against me surviving 5 years. Well, I told my surgeon in response to this that I’m an accountant and playing with numbers all my life so the “odds” of surviving meant “Jack Shit” to me so here I am still alive and loving life in 2021. I love your fighting spirit! It reminds me of the same attitude I adopted in 2007; also in 2012 when I again had a visit from Mr Cancer and again told “it” to piss off! It obeyed my direction so here I am to write this message of love and encouragement to you! As Venus Williams said: “Never stop believing in yourself”. Best wishes, Peter Edwards PS I’m having lunch with your Dad tomorrow!

    • I too was speechless at the cavalier attitude of some people. Loving Peter and his comments and his words of hope and encouragement.

  8. Well Karen, Alan and the arsehole doctor can all line up for a kick in the dick. What a bunch of knobs. I’m so happy that you have good people around you as you’re getting this news and having to deal with people who forgot to develop empathy. Keep going, one day at a time. I’m forever sending love and support from the other side of the world. Love you, hate Karen and Alan. Xx

  9. shirleysykes says:

    Gosh Kristie what bummer you have been dealt double or triple whammy we can never make sence of why this happens some say let cancer come… let cancer go and ask yourself what are the lessons to be learnt well buggered if I know either remaining positive is always good and can give you strength in front of others but you never stop questioning why to yourself you can show anger but does that really help ofcause all of your emotions and feelings come up and challenge you in your darkest hour… cry and let go just let go of the anger and all the questioning and accept what is yes it is hard to come to terms with.. move forward and embrace, nurture and love your beautiful body for it is doing an incredible work on healing letting go of cancer so sorry you have had such a bad experience with your Breast Surgeon I feel so blessed to have a beautiful Breast Surgeon who has gone out of her way for me ask Bev as she took me to an appointment today so blessed to have such amazingly supportive friends she told me your story today and I am amazed at your positive attitude to such shitty news so glad you have your beautiful family and friends to embrace in a circle of love and hold you in this space as you go through this challenging time in your life also congratulations on your engagement sending all love and strength as you face each new chapter of kicking Alan in the dick and kicking Karen where the sun don’t shine God bless 💖

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