I overheard some do-gooder on the television the other night describing her cancer journey (yes, she used that word…maybe that’s what got my attention and my back up) as a ‘joy’. She sees her work in advocacy and health promotion as giving meaning to her cancer and therefore awarding her a joyful life. And on this I’d like to call BULLSHIT!! What a load of crap. As if. This cancery life is many things and sometimes joy gets involved but I’m yet to see a Cancer Council pamphlet with the title “Welcome to your joyful cancer life!” on the cover.

But I will say this…again. There are some perks. I don’t want to use them all up in one post so I’ll focus on the one I’ve been most recently pondering.

Medically unquestioned access to sedatives.

But really this…

When people know someone has Stage 4 Cancer they know it’s serious and the first thing that comes into their minds is a question about how long that person has left to live. (Stage 4 actually means that your cancer is aggressive and has metastasised to other organs which is serious but with effective treatment, the person can live for some time.) But the question is a natural one and one I have wondered about myself. No, I have never asked Dr Duenna for a prognosis…that’s my practical self leading the charge there. I don’t see how it would help me to know, because I suspect she can’t actually know, and I think she would probably tell me that too but instead might give me a range of months and years and that would change things for me in a way I don’t think would be productive.

Nevertheless, we all know I’m pretty sick. In a healthy looking way.

So this, I suspect, has lead some of you…no…many of you, to reach out to me and tell me about me. Never in my life, has my life been so affirmed. I have been told precious things I never knew about myself that you have held inside yourselves for sometimes years and years. I have been told how loved I am so many times I can be nothing but sure that it is true and widely felt. Some of you have written it in cards. Some of you have written it in the comments below. In hand written notes. In messages. On Instagram. And some of you have bravely faced me and told me directly in your own, instantly thought and beautifully articulated ways, what it is that I mean to you.

Disclaimer: Not one of you have ever suggested I am perfect in every way. Obviously an oversight on ALL of your behalves.

But here, I think, is the take away. Whilst this has been the absolute far and away BEST thing about having cancer, you shouldn’t need to have a terminal illness to hear and read this stuff about yourself. So here’s the challenge folks…

Say it now.

I never used to do it either!!

But you can tell friends and family exactly what they mean to you right now. Even while they are leaving cupboard doors open. Even when they haven’t finished vacuuming properly. Even if they keep talking incessantly and don’t seem to really care for the ideas of others. Even if they argue with you about stupid stuff and put being right above being kind. Because I did, and still do, ALL of these things. And even with all of my annoying habits and traits, people still love me. I know because they have told me.

But let’s be honest. It’s just a bit awkward if there’s no pending mortality issue. Or maybe we just don’t think to do it enough. Or maybe we are a bit selective about who we affirm. I’m trying myself to be better at taking the plunge. Here are some tips:

1. When writing gift cards, take the opportunity to thank that person for just one quality they have that you admire and that adds to your life. For example, “Happy Birthday, Ian! Thanks for always taking the bins out and picking up the dog shit. I hate both of these jobs and I know you do too and I appreciate you for doing them. You do so many things quietly for others. So many.”
2. Scroll through your phone, find a friend or a family member, and send them a quick message to say one or two things you love about them. “Hi Cousin Jen. A bit random, but I just wanted to know that when we catch up I always feel like you bring something great to the table. I feel lifted when we see each other. You have great energy.” OR “Jodie, you have the best taste (and museum worthy collection!) in shoes and I always think of you when I’m buying them. But more importantly, your style and sense of colour has always inspired me.”
3. When you like someone’s post on Insta stories, take two minutes to DM (Boomer translation: direct message) them as to what it was you liked about it. “Linda, you and Nigel seem to have figured out how to enjoy everything about travel and the outback whilst still really loving each other. It’s all over your faces.)
4. Maybe send an email. “Dear Mish, if food is your love language, I will never be hungry. Your cooking nurtures people and brings them together and I wish everyone could taste what you cook. It is one of my true pleasures.”
5. Find any way, any way, you can to let someone know they are loved and appreciated. Like this, “Sue, in the afternoons when I feel at my sickest and I wrap myself up in your beautiful hand made quilts, I feel all the love from your hands and your heart in every square of fabric. And it surrounds me with healing energy.”
6. Or just tell them to their face, “Mum, when you put your arm around me and sat with me and told me you understood why I was scared, it was perfect and the best mum you could have been for me in that moment.” OR “Dad, I love you. We are good, you and I. We are really good.”

I’m not telling you to get off your phones. I’m telling you to get on your phones. Message someone or tell someone or email someone immediately. Because you have no idea about the impact it will have. For them. For you. For us all.

Say it now.

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