Scan results today and the news wasn’t good. It must be the worst part of an oncologist’s job – giving bad news.

Whilst the bowel tumour hasn’t grown, there are more tumours in my liver.

The chemo is no longer working against Alan. It seems he sniffed it out and set about reinforcing his claim on one of my most important internal organs.

Despite preparing ourselves to receive the update, Magro and I both sat and cried in response. It feels completely defeating to know that the physical drain I’ve been putting my body through with each treatment hasn’t paid off. I can’t relay exactly how flattened we both were by this today. It doesn’t matter how much I try and ready myself for bad news, it remains a shock to my core and yet another chink in the trust I once had in my body.

What next?

A referral to a radiology team who focus on targeted therapy. It may involve surgery to insert radioactive beads into my liver. Mmmm….sounds like fun.

Dr Duenna discussing my case with her team of doctors from different specialties to consider other options.

And me? No chemo this week. The world’s shittiest silver lining.

Tonight I have no words, no energy, no space for conversation, no humour, no anything. I will take something to help me sleep and tomorrow I will start again. Like a ball that’s been slightly deflated, I’ll bounce, but just enough to get over the net.

Thank you, Magro, for walking this path with me.

And thank you to all of you who have been following my story via the blog. It helps me to process what is happening. It helps me to let everyone know what’s happening without having to have hundreds of individual conversations about my cancer. It helps me to read your messages of support. I read every one. Thank you.

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40 thoughts on “When Alan kicked back…

  1. Sending so much love and strength. I’m so sorry babe. Am here if you need a different ear or shoulder or even a punching bag. Cancer, you suck! 😢❤️

  2. Jenn McAleer says:

    Oh, I’m absolutely devastated for you. I’ve been thinking of you often and hoping for the best along the way.

  3. Sending so much love and strength. I’m so sorry babe. Am here if you need a different ear or shoulder or even a punching bag. Alan, here is your notice – it’s time to leave the premises. 😢❤️

  4. Kristie I loved you from the moment you told me I was a shit actor as Johnny Okeefe. I’m sending you so much love and strength x

  5. Meredith Sheldon says:

    I’m so sad about your news today. I can’t imagine what you and Magro and your family must be going through.

  6. I’m so sorry.
    I’ve been reading your raw and beautiful (bad word in this situation but you do write well) blog. Thinking of you from Singapore. Wishing you a night of Singapore rain to help you sleep. Xxx

  7. FFS, Alan, take the hint, nobody wants you so just bugger off. Kristie, I’m sending love and the hope that a good night’s sleep will help you face another shitty shitty day. So sorry to hear that this news tonight. Hugs to you and your fella.

  8. Massive hugs Kristie xxoo so unfair that you’re going through this! Thinking of you. P.S. in case it makes you smile my photo autocorrected hugs to jugs! Luckily I noticed or this would’ve been a very inappropriate comment 😉

  9. Well that sucks
    And yet you’re still able to write such an eloquent and succinct piece with such poise and maturity …. How amazing are you

  10. Peter Edwards says:

    Dear Kristie, I’m praying for you. My prayers are always answered. As Venus Williams has said: “Never stop believing in yourself!” I’ve survived cancer twice, including bowel cancer in 2007. Much love and admiration of your bravery, Peter

  11. In our thoughts Gibbo. Sending you lots of strength, love and hope that you can get the upper hand here. Don’t stop trying and don’t stop writing xxx big love from The little red dot.

  12. Wish you didn’t have to go through this – today is a new day so here’s to a new therapy that Alan will hate – Sending you big hugs and strength 😘😘😘

  13. Kristie, it is so hard to find the words to describe what I feel….not as eloquent as you! You are in my heart and always in my prayers.
    Sending a huge hug and our love.

  14. Mate, I’m devastated to hear this shitty news. Thinking of you and fingers crossed your magical docs can kick Alan in another way.
    Rach xx

  15. We were so sorry to hear the scan results and understand how devastating it must feel for that bastard to be building extensions. No permit was extended, therefore he will have to take them down with a targeted approach. You have the best people around you to make this happen and the fight will go on. Alan will not have his way! Our virtual hugs to you both, always xx

  16. Oh Kristie, what incredibly shitty news. Was thinking of you yesterday and was hoping for some better news for you. Sending love and strength your way. Xx

  17. I can’t imagine how that news must have felt for the two of you. I admire your courage to keep standing up and fighting on and being brave as f***. I hope the new plan makes some inroads. In the meantime, be kind to yourself – we are all thinking of you daily and sending so much love xx

  18. Love You Gibbo ❤️
    Sending Love & Gratitude to Magro 🥰
    Thinking of you & sending all my love ❤️

  19. Kristie, I read your blog, but haven’t commented before because there are no words. (Lousy excuse, I know) But today I send you hugs and love.

  20. shirleysykes says:

    So sorry to read my gosh your Dr is amazing so supportive the target radiation sounds good hope it works for you beautiful always in our thoughts God bless sending much love and prayers to you and all your family what a bitch it is going through this may sun shine on you all tomorrow with all love and light Bazza and Shirley xoxo

  21. Brian Gibson says:

    HI Christie,

    What a shit (pardon the pun) to get such news. I know from previous blogs that you will somehow brush yourself down and get on with things. You are one sassy lady which I so admire! Please continue to be content in each day and it would be great to catch up for a coffee one day.

    Lots of love Brian

  22. Thanks for the update Kristie, I appreciate hearing your voice from so far away. Sending love and strength to you. You are in my thoughts ❤️

  23. Dear Kristie, sorry for not responding earlier although I have been reading you and thinking of you throughout this journey. You are constantly in my mind and in my heart (do you feel it?). I promise to write more comments even if you won’t understand my English… I can also write in Hebrew, Idish and even Arabic. Big hug to you. 🧡

  24. Cannot imagine how you both must be feeling. Struggling to find some useful words. Sending you love and continuing to hope that Alan goes off script and stops being an arsehole.

  25. Rian and Jane says:

    Hey Twistie, It’s hard keeping up with Allan and his wicked ways, but knowing that you won’t suffer bad company, we’re sure you’ll keep showing him the door. At some stage he’ll pick up what you’re putting down right? You are always in our thoughts (Not you Allan ffs) .

    Love from the Foleys

  26. Just guttered for you, Kristie. This is not in your plan and I think your plan so far has been nothing but steadfast and strong. Samana and I are following you through your blog and believe me when I say you are in our thoughts and prayers. We both don’t know of anyone stronger and with more purpose to live life. You showed us to always put on your happy face, stand tall and stop for a moment to listen and laugh! Keep going Kristie our world needs more from you xxxx

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