I was seven metres from our main bathroom. I had overdosed on laxatives trying to counter the large amount of analgesic medication I am currently taking. My fellow lounge dwellers watched in horror as I tried to clench my way to the toilet. Two metres from the bowl it was clear this was not going to end well. I have no butt fat or muscle left to clench. It was like the scene from Bridesmaids where she sinks into the middle of the intersection in the largest wedding dress, in tears, knowing the biggest meringue now has a chocolate filling.

I landed on the toilet in a spiral of shame and my clothing completely pasted to me on all sides. My husband offered help (bless him). He would do anything. But it was my mum who I ended up calling on. And she fixed me up and hugged me like I was still her baby.

I tell this story not for a laugh although I think it might make a few of you laugh. But because I have been dreading this day since my diagnosis and have since learned how many of you have shit yourselves in the funniest places, awkward moments and most public of events. And I would love the brave of you to share your story in the comments. It would be the perfect Christmas gift. 

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33 thoughts on “I shat myself today.

  1. I’m not sure there’s enough space here to actually tell you just how many times I have shat myself in public and private.
    There was one time at a Japanese baseball game where even with the help of the Japanese full squat toilets , I was able to hit everything except the bowl.
    Even the Japanese bidet toilets which have the sound to disguise the explosion, could not leave the other patrons in the cubicles next to me with anything else, except severe mental scars for the rest of their lives.

    It was a crime scene!!

  2. Ok here goes. I have a problem in the mornings. I go about 3 times. If I need to be at work by 8am it’s very problematic. One Sunday morning I was driving quite a distance to my workplace and I needed to go but thought I would make it. I stopped by the side of the road and run into the bush. I left a big mess but on my way grabbed a supply of tissues. It wasn’t great. This has happened a few times in various places. I now carry 1. Spare undies, 2. Tissues, 3. Wet wipes. That is my story.😩

  3. So… a friend of mine stayed over one time and got up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night. Instead of walking into the bathroom she walked out the front door to the apartment. Suffice to say it wasn’t a bathroom… She tried to knock and wake me to let her back in but we may or may not have had about 63 drinks and her cries for help went unanswered, alas her only choice was to sit outside the door and shit herself. Outrageous. 💩💩 after a walk of shit shame and a few laughs there was no long term harm done. Mostly. 🙀🤷🏼‍♂️

      • I was traveling in India years ago and after a few too many bang lassi’s in Varanasi one night, whilst getting lost in the windy back lanes in a hazy stupor for hours trying to find my hotel, I got a sudden case of Delhi belly. I will spare you the details but let’s just say that it was so ugly and so public that I left town early the next morning…..

  4. Megan McKenzie says:

    Oh mate I’ve got a few hahahaha but the best would have to be on a bus in Turkey when the driver refused to stop for me and I had a gastro bug… Well, it’s fair to say he stopped the bus when I literally sprayed the seat with the contents of my inside and everyone had to be offloaded and the bus cleaned 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 #travellife

  5. While I was having chemo my side effects were the worst diaorreah ( however you spell it ) by the worst I mean THE STENCH !!! Sewer water comes to mind
    Christmas at the in laws 2017 I just make the car trip to the blue mountains , I’m totally ready to shit myself. I race in the door past the GOOD bathroom towards the toilet in the laundry.
    The noise , the stench disgusting. As I leave relieved that I made it I walk out to find that lunch has been set up in a different room , yup the one outside the laundry!!! Seriously, my father in law was wiping his eyes it was that bad !!!!Hugo of course just shook his head 🙈

  6. Food poisoning in Italy from a dodgy train station arancini ball. After a day of lying flat in the hotel, headed to the doctors where I proceeded to eliminate everything in my body through both poo and projectile vomiting in the doctors office.

    Oh, and the time I was hiking in Nepal and after a solid diet of dumplings, eggs and potatoes for days I destroyed the only toilet that the accommodation had, which had a line of people outside it. The toilet didn’t flush.

  7. Oh mate. Thoughts are so with you in so many ways ❤️
    If it’s helpful to know, I shit the bed a couple of years back and went through a recent bout of unpredictable sharting. Much much love for a incident -free Christmas tomorrow xx

  8. Well I think I may have a story to tell here… it was a few years ago now but my story starts as I took up a new role coaching golf in China.
    It was about 3 weeks into living in China and I thought I could handle ordering off a Chinese character only menu and I’ll take myself out for dinner solo (No translator or others coaches that have been living there longer than me to guide the way).
    The restaurant was about a 15/20 min walk away. Everything was fine, got some food then had a bit of a grumble in the stomach… okay I think, I don’t want to go here as they only have squat toilets (hole in the ground style that I always thought I need a rope or railing to hold onto when attempting to squat)
    I gather my thoughts and I think I’ll get the bill and walk home. “Should be sweet”.

    Well I start walking then a wave of high level requirement to let whatever it was to get out of me. ASAP…
    I start running, squeak, fart, this is not feeling good. I make it to the school grounds (where my apartment was) only 500m to go. I can do it. Those that know me, I’m 100kgs and 500m is still a long way.

    Then it hits me, I’m NOT going to make it… I look around I can’t do anything… it’s going to come out and I think I’ll try my best to not just let fly. I loop around a corner and jump onto a waste high bush… and out it comes raped fire… ugly but I felt amazing.

    I look around, no one… perfect I think. But now what. I’ve just let fly in a hedge… what’s next, we’ll buckle up and walk slowly home with a very messy backside dreaming of a hot shower.

    Hope it made some of you smile.

  9. Irene Bartlett says:

    Holidaying in Cambodia travelling back to our room in a rusty very old tuk tuk. My tummy started doing flip flops. Then we must have gone on a road filled with huge pot holes tummy gurgling away. Then the farting started and I knew this way not going to have a pretty ending. Squeezing bum cheeks together. More gurgling and disgusting farts. Ran into foyer of motel and yeap could not find key to room. Hot stinky runny poop going down my legs and into foyer floor key found legs crossed trying to run to toilet. Leaving behind a trail of shit. My travelling companion heaving and laughing. Toilet sprayed floors covered and stinky clothes on floor. Never will I forget that.

  10. What can l say, you all need to carry buckets with you.

    With a regular funny tummy, l have experienced this far more than l care to recall. At home, at work, at the shops, in the car. At least when you work with babies, you can blame them for the smell.
    All happening before my brain registers l am in trouble.
    So happy to read everyone’s stories and know l’m not the only one.

  11. In my 18th year I suffered a bit with a niggling appendix. Do you know how they check for a niggling appendix. If you are a male who has had a prostate examination you may understand. So I go to the Dr with classic appendix symptoms he makes me lie down on my side on the bed he priced to pop his index finger in to examine the appendix. Suffice to say he wore the contents of my insides and I was in the operating table that night.
    I never had the nerve to see that Dr again.
    Happy Christmas Gibbo xx

  12. I’m not going to point myself out in case of someone recognising me, but my name is Luke, and we did Shout together and I just played Tick in Priscilla and let the embarrassment flow. During one of the Priscilla shows, to which I always wore a dance gstring I was made to buy from Bloch…. During a particularly vigorous number of “colour my world”, I’d had gastro and I had a bit of a squirt into the gstring (maybe a bigger squirt then what I was expecting)……. Next scene change my two dressers had to peel my gstring off side of stage so all the cast saw me in the nuddie, before they put me into the thong dress freeballing while they baby wiped my bum. We had a minute and 46 seconds to get it done and you best believe I bought those two lovely ladies litre bottles of gin as an apology. Merry Christmas lovely x

  13. Ross and Yvonne Daniels says:

    Well Kristie since youve asked ,we were on holidays with the girls in Qland doing the touristy things and one of the visits was to a place called Wet N Wild .. I decided I would go on the Gigantic Slippery Dip with the girls egging me on .”Go on Mum you can do this ” So I climb up the stairs and Im given instructions to cross my ankles and my arms across my chest . Away I go flying at great speed down this VERY steep slope .Well half way down I panic .. Throw my arms out and uncross my ankles !! I hit the pool at the bottom where Elyssa ( who was about 14years) was waiting . I skimmed across the shallow pool and look at Elyssas face which was aghast and realise the top of my swimmers is around my waist and boobs exposed to all ! I quickly try to correct this situation when all of a sudden the water that gushed into my rear end had acted like an enema and as I tried to walk it started to explode !!!!. No towel , me doing Pixie steps to the toilet many metres away and my 14 year old so so embarrassed and THEN having to wash my swimmers out in the ladies bathroom for me . This story is aired every now and again and gets a rousing reaction .

  14. We have 2 stories for you.
    1. Every public toilet from Wagga Wagga to Melbourne
    2. And Matthew.. picture this. Sunny Canberra morning. A group of gays board a bus. Cafe latte in hand. All aboard for Sydney. Circa 2010. 30mins in to the bus drive. Matthew’s tummy does rumble. Quick visit to the on board toot conveniently located downstairs . Matthew, upon completing his visit to the toilet below deck, alights the stairs, free and dandy. The entire bus is perfumed with Matthew’s fragrance. The other patrons onboard, holding noses and spluttering, with one member spraying deodorant. Only 3 hours of the bus trip to go.

  15. A very good ‘friend’ of ours takes a medication that doesn’t bode well with alcohol – needless to say, a long boozy lunch led to an urgent situation on the train station after we had just missed the 10.58. Of course all train station toilets are locked aren’t they, so despite lots of butt squeezing the farts had a catastrophic follow through and lets just say, there were not many others wanting to ride our carriage home!

    Does it count that always have really weird dreams where i am desperately searching for a toilet? I usually find one, but for some reason, they are always the dodgy flush with a poo backlog that always floods the room? Is that a bit weird that it is a recurrent dream?

  16. Curiouser and Curiouser says:

    I have two significant poop tales, one sober, one completely flogged out of my mind which I unfortunately remember in exquisite detail.
    I also have two handfuls of eventful poop stories, but these didn’t ever end up with me slathered in poop like I had been cuddling an Alaskan Pipeline. I’ll tell the sober one.

    Mee Goreng noodles from some wonky place in Werribee, with the heat dialled up to “as hot as you can make it please”.
    I had also just got the keys to work and the security codes.
    On the way home down Geelong Road about 5 minutes from work, and about 20 from home at the time, my stomach started to twist and spasm. I was holding on something fierce. It was a battle between my bodily functions and my dignity (yet to be confirmed I had anything worth fighting for!). I start sweating and am pulling my asshole so tight. I’ve never tried to keep a mongoose on methamphetamine captive in a sleeping bag bag with nothing but numb hands tending the drawstring, but I imagine it was exactly the same.
    I was doing great, as I pulled into the drive at work. I got the padlock off, the gate swung open, back to the car and circled to the main door. It’s a large heavy steel door into a big factory. I have been through it a million times but I have never unlocked it. Would my key work? What if I forget the alarm code? My mind starts thinking of all the things that could go wrong, but I have hope. I’ve just pulled off another NBA winning poop suck, I have a few minutes before the next wave comes. I’ve got this in the bag, *mental fist pump*.
    I get to the door, my key slides into the lock dead straight with no resistance. Turn. Turn. Turn you fucking key!
    Panic. Panic. Oh fuck no, panic turns into some inversion of the game winning save but moments ago. My undies turn into a Play-Doh extruder set and shit is forcefully breaching the defensive perimeter. I can feel it on my legs and…..and…. don’t know how graphic I should go. Suffice to say it was not great.

    I somehow realised that heavy steel door springs out the tiniest bit and you have to lean on the door a touch to unload the catch. I’ll remember that for next time I plan on almost shitting myself.

    So what does one do, middle of the night in an industrial estate, soiled clothes, 25 minutes from home? Well there is a hand wash area for the factory workers and a hose. Standing there naked, with a garbage bag full of human shit and Levi’s, I hose myself down like a dog. I scrounge up a pair of overalls and some work boots, hose the floor down and make a quick exit, driving home in silence. The pain in my stomach was gone at least.

    Turning up to work the next day was an unusual affair. A plumber had been called in. It smelt like shit around the wash trough area, clearly a blocked sewer line someone had surmised.

  17. I have ulcerative colitis so I can’t tell you how many times I have shit myself .. too many times I have sat in the car at the very last set of lights before home waiting for the green arrow, mentally willing the arrow to turn green, yelling out loud at the arrow to turn green, drumming the steering wheel, pounding the steering wheel .. to get oh so close to the sanctuary of the home bathroom but not close enough… screaming at my son “don’t look at me” as my bowels release and it runs down my legs as I stand in our driveway crying with shame.

    I have learnt 3 things:
    1. A mental list of the closest public toilets close to wherever I am
    2. It’s just easier to get into the shower fully clothed when you need to clean yourself up
    3. You are always ok if you are near a bushy area and wearing socks .. socks make great emergency toilet paper!!

    So, from the stories I have read above .. all I can say is welcome to the shit show!

    Love you!! Jules

  18. Judith Gibson says:

    Hi Kristie,

    I had this problem during chemo and the Australian Government came to my rescue! I installed their Toilet Map app: 20,000 toilet sites… But getting there in time is the problem…

    All the best from Judith, Helen and Garry.

  19. Oh wow… Some epic stories shared.. whilst I can’t say I’ve ever shat myself, I do have one story that comes to mind…

    I was teaching Prep in Hong Kong and during a writing lesson, whilst conferencing their work, I smelt something funny. I dismissed this until I had a student say ‘ohhhh that smells!!’. Whilst I agreed, I had also done a little fart at the same time and thought ‘surely that can’t be me’, ( I fart roses of course!! ;)) Needless to say, after 10 minutes and numerous chats, we found out who it was, and the poor little man had the worst diarrhea bless him, but we had to evacuate as the smell was so bad and we were on the 4th floor so the windows didn’t open.
    Hope you have had a special day with your beautiful family Gibbo. Much love xx

  20. Bum explosion happened to me on an overnight express bus in India. It had bunk beds and I was in a top bunk. I managed to get most of the contents into a plastic bag but the entire bus reeked. With no real options, I threw the bag out of the window, realising at the last minute that there was another bus driving behind us. When our bus finally stopped, everyone just stared at me as I did ‘the walk of shame’ from the back to the exit. Merry Christmas!

  21. A friend of mine who also lived in Japan and was called Liam with the same birthdate as mine, had an explosive ‘after big night out’ release into a squat toilet outside of the workplace he was conning. I’ve heard numerous times about the good qualities of squat toilets. There could never be enough good qualities to make up for the singular deficit these toilets entail. That outfit was never the same.

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